A thread on postpartum depression for men from a father who twice went down the depths of hell. It's time we talk about it. It could literally save your family and your kid's lives. 

Both of my daughters are products of love. They weren't made until we both were ready to start/grow a family. Their mother and I are high school sweethearts and we knew exactly what we went into. 

Software Developer -> I share my journey on trying to build a SaaS in public + random thoughts that appear during the day.

Before becoming a father I had had my share of life experiences which had made me think a ton about parenting and what kind of father I would be. I was more prepared than most.

When my baby girl finally came to life I was as ecstatic as one could possibly be. The first few weeks/months were exactly as expected... until I one day lost all connection to her. 

I would take care of her as usual, but I felt nothing for her. I could have given her away and not cared the least at that moment. It was scary, unexpected and a side of me that I had never seen before. I'm a family man first. This wasn't me. And yet, it was. 

I opened up to my wife about it and went to Google. Turned out, that if you're looking for answers, they are out there, but while my wife was being checked and tested constantly, I was never asked if I was okay. 

I struggled with it for a bit. Especially the nights were tough. Having to care for a crying baby at 2 am, 3:15 am, 4:30 am, etc. when you have no feelings for that child is brutal. I was mad at her and I was furious with myself for being angry at an infant. 

Then out of the blue, it turned again. She smiled at me. She laughed. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I finally managed to become the father I had anticipated and since then we've been best buddies, even when I set boundaries. 

Then my second daughter was born and I relived the exact same hell again with her, but this time on steroids. It started almost immediately after her birth and once again I felt so disconnected. I would get so angry with her and even angrier with myself whenever she cried.

I couldn't hold her for more than a minute or two at a time when crying, before I would get so angry internally, that I had thoughts of dropping her, holding my hand for her mouth etc. This was so unlike me. 

I had never been in a fight. Never done anything violent. And here I was having thoughts about potentially hurting my child. I don't know how close I came but several times I had to frantically put her down and go away because I felt it taking over control of my body.